I want to be debt free. =_=;

Even though I am not with her -- I have my heart set out to wait for her. I've hurt a sweet, caring, wonderful person in the process of this wait. I have lost that person as a friend -- permanently. I have broken my own heart to set her free so that she may find the happiness she deserves. I am watching her grow and becoming more beautiful by the day, while dying inside all the while. .. because. .. I was right all along. I am no good for her. For she has changed positively without me in her life. She has never had an epiphany and drastically changed no matter how hard I tried to get her to see.

I have always known what I want. I know what. .. I feel. Why does it have to be this way?

Santa can't you hear meeee

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath
Where I am
Where I am

I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is
Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

You seem so so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

Where I am
Where I am
Where I am

The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving
Why I was the one worth leaving

DO nothing.

FUCK people who wants to start shit to get FREE shit. If you think that you can just walk all over me and get what you want for FREE just because I am a soft spoken person, FUCK OFF! You've got another thing coming -- and the world, is not a happy place to be when I am mad. STFU you whiny bitches. ARRRGGGH.

And why? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Yes, you're tired, yes you've worked hard -- and not I? Sorry if our jobs are different but that does not mean that I am not equally tired, it does not mean that I do NOT want to do the things that NEED to be done. But of course I have to do it because I am the one to ALWAYS plan in advance, ALWAYS the one that has to be responsible. No, no help is needed. Of course it would be appreciated but not needed. I should have realized this long ago. Too blind by love. Naive, stupid me. I shouldn't expect anything more.

Well, goodbye to that. I should promise to not be upset anymore over this.

Oh wonderful -- mummy spent 150 dollars on a Coach purse for me. The woman complains that she has no money to pay for the house, no money for bills, and here she is dishing out 150 dollars. I told her what a waste that would be. I would have been happy with a 10 one from Target, but NooOooo, that is simply not a dashing idea.

I don't understand my mother's logic. She always knows exactly what I don't like to get for me. It's like she's secretly making me miserable. For example, for Christmas of 2008 my mother gave me a watch [I hate it, don't need one, won't use it], for my 22nd birthday she gave me a thug chain [I hate it, it currently resides on my girlfriend, this is probably the one item that I do not want to become accustomed to], and a random present yesterday. Something not needed, and not liked. I love her to death and I never want to disappoint her. I guess I will grow to like this expensive, horrid thing. Like I do everything she gives me. It's sacred. Almost. You know.

I know it sounds like I am ungrateful huh? I really am, don't get me wrong. I absolutely would never for the life of me reveal this to her. .. I just need to vent. She means well. .. but I hate it all. Is that wrong?

Inhale. Exhale. GO!

Got a lot of stuffs done yesterday. Need to do more today. . .. that's the way it is. I will definitely be resting in peace when I am gone. It rightfully belongs to me after this lifetime. XD

Sadly. .. tonight  [err a few hours ago, since I am not in bed yet] the puppies destroyed the vegetable garden that I invested much money and effort into for a mother's day present for Ashley's mom. I am sad. Puppies. Love 'em, and hate 'em. RAWRRRRR!!!

When I read about stars in magazines or online, I get this feeling like they're drowning. Drowning in all the fame, fortune and glory. Sometimes I get the feeling that they must be very lonely. Some of them resort to mental melt downs [i.e. Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan], some of them are alcoholics or drug addicts [or both], some just spend their money on pointless things [like a giraffe] cause they're so dirty rich, there is nothing better to spend money on!

But, it's most sad when going about their daily lives become a catalyst for anxiety attacks. Which brings to mind Lilly Allen's song, The Fear:

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear

Take for instance, Robert Pattinson, ever since he assumed the leading role of an emo "masochistic" vampire of the famous Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer - the guy can never go anywhere without a rioting crowd of obsessed prostitots [prepubescent teenie boppers who dresses like prostitutes for those who needs a definition]. Recently stated in a magazine, Pattinson was hit by a taxi cab in New York while in pursuit of freedom from rabid fans. That is quite sad. Pattinson claims that he has panic attacks while going into public now. WOW, really? Yes.

Anyways, with that in mind, don't you think that society has been brainwashed? The media tells you what to eat, wear, do, like. Where is the originality?

I am in desperate need of some of that "I-don't-know-if-people-would-like-this-or-not-but-I-don't-fucking-care-it's-creative-me". Need some POP! magic. Something fresh, new. It's always the same old sounds and sights. C'mon world! Give me amazing.

Of course things will have the funniest ways of working themselves out. But then again, it may not. =[

I'm trying to be positive. I hate it when I'm cranky. I'm sorry for being so mean, aggravated, and nasty. I'm trying, sometimes I just can't stop myself. I can't compose like normal. I wish I knew the solution to this redundant problem.

The reality of it is, you can not live on love alone. Bills, bills, and more bills. To top it off, car problems, animals sick, bitchy people. =/ And I don't get to spend time with my friends as much any more.

I want my quality time alone, uninterrupted with friends. I don't know. I hate my life. YAY.

On a side note, we made a big box for the kittens to grow into. =] Chewy [momma cat] now has room to stretch out!!

So, I've run into a few problems in which venting in the form of illogical scripture must be done. Here goes.

#1  A lot of people I know (who either is for or against President Obama) have been un happy about his decisions lately. I understand that you can't agree with anyone 100% of the time, BUT there are somethings that people must understand:

• If you voted against Obama, you have unquestionable rights to say horrible things about him. I mean, that's a given right? Well, I feel that way. However, if you were for him, if you are going to say things like "he's a douche bag and I wish he never became president" (or something of that effect), THAN DiE!!!~! Because you voted for him. What stupidity.
• On another note, if you didn't vote, your opinion doesn't count. Plain as that. Why? Because you did not care enough to contribute to our economy, society, nation as a whole. So your bitching? Nullified in my eyes. I don't care for your "no one is good enough to vite for, they are all dumb!" excuses. All that tells me is you didn't give half a rats ass, and you lack the courage (maybe even the sense) to research the best candidates for the position. It will never, ever, never, be "the perfect candidate", it is ALWAYS "I agree mostly with his/her beliefs, he/she is whom I will vote for". If you don't vote, you don't really care about our country and you shouldn't bitch when things don't go according to YOUR plans.

#2  WHY THE HELL CAN'T I CONTROL MYSELF!?!?!? I always want to spend all my gosh darn money. NOT cool. So. .. .. 'tis the season for SWiMMiNG!!~!!!!  =D

P.S.Yay Kittens! A stray cat had kittens on my porch the day before my birthday. Oh what JOY! They are so cute. This only means that I must keep one! WOO.

Well, I am reduced to pondering about sa[pien, homo sapiens of today really are. Sapien, derived from the latin tongue means wise or rational. It is hard to find a wise man/woman in this day and age. For instance, take my day at work. A co-worker of mine is incapable of accepting things for what they really are. She asks me "why are you taking a week off?" I reply, "because it's my birthday." She then goes to say, "Ok, but why a week?" BECAUSE I want to! Why the heck not!?

Why is that so hard to understand? I know that maybe you don't need a week off for your birthday, but I do! =]  It's just that simple. No ifs, ands, buts, or strings. Simple. I like that. I LOVE iT!

Another thing that is on my mind: I wish I wasn't so nice. I need to learn how to say no and/or walk away. I hate watching people angry or upset. It hurts in a very funny way,well, more like a weird kind of way. But don't worry, I have been working on it! I am going to perfect the art of cold-heartedness one day! WOOT

They say that life's unfair - you know what? They're wrong. Well, I mean they are right, but if everyone went through life with out malice then nothing would matter. Life is life and that's just it. No competition, no tricks, no nonsense.

I would love to be rich. I dream of that day like every human being [and that's why I play the lottery]. But, I'd be just as happy if I could make ends meet, live comfortably, and be with someone that fits me [and JUST me]. It wouldn't be so unfair. No, that would actually be wonderful.

Delusional you say? No. Err. .. maybe. I am honest with myself [on most occasions]. I know what I want and I will strive hard for it. That's the way I want to live my life. All that nonsense drama sucks.

I like this outlook on life. It's a refreshing change to my past morbid mentality. It is easier to hold on to happiness when there is someone so darling to encourage you.

I miss my sister Vikki SO MUCH!

I must say that besides crude and rude customers, douche baggy management takes the cake. So there's a customer waiting for me to get a display camcorder box  so that they may purchase the display product -- and since department managers won't have keys to their own lock up anymore we must walkie the almighty management team to our rescue.

Poor little ol' me don't have a walkie because I hate them for a horrid reason [another story for a rainy day], so I pleasantly ask Danielle to walkie a member of management to photo lock up. Upon arrival, I waited approximately 10 mins and asked wiggity wacky Wayne the cart pusher to walkie again. I waited an extra 5 minutes. As I've had enough of having my customer waiting for me, I went out to ask Tina from sporting goods to walking AGAiN. Finally after another 10 minutes -- I left. Frustrated and upset because my customer has waited half an hour to get serviced -- I go back to my lab to find it SWAMPED with idiots [what more can I expect]. Thank goodness Danielle was there. She helped the customers while I explain to the guy that was waiting on me. I calmly sympathized and thanked him for his patience and came up with a lame excuse for my incompetent management team. I can tell he sighed lividly and kindly controlled his distorted face.

To my dismay, as Danielle walkied again for my sake, she got reamed up the ass by Assistant manager McTitties. He claims that he has already opened photo lock up twice and no one was there. He also told Danielle that he responded to the walkie but she told me after wards that she did not hear him respond. Poor Danielle, if there was truly a God, I hope he blesses her for this.

So, as I meet McTitties at the lock up door [for the first time after several attempts] -- he goes on to rambling about how he was already there and all the same nonsense he said to Danielle and tells me that he talked to Tina and she told him that I already left. I shrug this off and continue on my conquest of helping my customer.

As I'm finally able to get the display box and leave lock up, Tina tells me that she did not hear McTitties respond to the walkie pages. I told Tina that he said he talked to her. She said that never happened! That FUCKiNG LIAR!! >:O

All in all -- management sucks.
And McTitties? A douchiest douche bag of douche bags.

The fucking end.

Just for once I wish either my mom or my little sister would walk in my shoes. I understand how hard it is for my mom to be the main provider for the family. She works hard all day for 11 or 12 hours a day and comes home sometimes to clean and cook. And my little sister is a good student that also works part-time. But what about me? I work hard too. And. .. I am usually the one who cleans the apartment. I'm gone for three days and it's the end of the world: Mother is sick and little sister doesn't have a ride home. GREAT.

I'm mad at my little sister in the first place for playing Ashley's game without asking and lying about it to our faces. To add SALT to the wound, it's as if we were in the wrong in the first place for not letting her play. Oh how wonderful you are princess of the family. Granted you don't get every fucking thing that you want, but you're damn close. You want a cell phone? You GOT IT! You want to go to a high school that's out of the way and inconvenienced to others? That's fine. How about learning how to drive so that you can get your license at 16? No problem, it's ok -- we'll look into getting you a car soon enough too. And an iPOD that's expensive as hell just for you to break? It's ok. You'll eventually get another one. You need a laptop? I'll pull money out of my FUCKING ASS because you "need to do your homework aka go on myspace and face book all fucking day you self obsessive little whore"!~ You can stay out late pass 12 in the morning and have a job at 15yrs old versus your older sister who gets a phone call at 9 pm everyday just to be interrogated as to when she will be home or where she is and where she's going. It's not alright for Thao to be a spoiled brat -- no she's 21 and can't LIVE like she's 21. I couldn't have a job until I was 17, I bought my own famn car, pay for my own insurance, pay rent, and I buy EVERYTHiNG that I FUCKiNG NEED. Sure mother chips in now and then when it's REALLY needed, but it's so damn hard to leave me the fuck alone isn't it?

I need to win the lottery. That would solve everything. Wouldn't it? Vikki, I'll come live with you. Take me away. Please.

Health related:
001. 10 crunches a day til the list is finished
002. Be able to run for more than a minute
003. Run for five minutes without stopping
004. Lose weight
005. Have more sex [yes it's health related! HEALTHY FOR MY RELATIONSHIP!]
006. Eat more vegetables
007. Be able to do 25 push-ups
008. Keep a personal weight journal until January of 2010
009. Consume less alcohol >_<
010. No soda for 1001 days!

Entertainment purposes:
011. Watch an anime episode a day[
012. Make a CD with random music with Ashley
013. Play at least 10 rock band songs on medium on the drums
014. play at least 10 rock band songs on hard on the guitar
015. Make Ashley watch a Korean drama
016. Beat Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
017. Make a list of all the anime I would like to watch in the 1001 days
018. Then watch them. (0/???)
019. Get 20 suggestions for movies to watch, rent and watch them. (0/20)

Pictures:
020. Take a sexy picture of me and my girlfriend
021. Take a picture of each of the passing season this year [0/4]
022. Take a single picture of each item on the list
023. Make a photo album of the pictures

Recreational activities:
024. Try a new restaurant
025. Look up 5 restaurants with foods I've never eaten and go to them (0/5)
026. Go ice skating for the very first time
027. Go swimming in a river
028. Roadtrip to Disney! =D
029. Go Snowtubing
030. Try Snowboarding/Skiing :[
031. Go camping for the very first time
032. Go fishing for the very first time
033. Have a picnic in a park I've never been to before
034. Attempt a hot air balloon ride despite my fear of heights :X
035. Go to an anime convention
036. Cosplay at an anime convention
037. Go to the 2009 Presidential inauguration
038. Dress up for the RennFaire
039. Do a song at karaoke all by myself

Materialistics:
040. Get a fish tank and fishes!
041. Get my own car
042. Finish remodeling bedroom
043. Buy two more floating shelves
044. Buy two curtain rods
045. buy two curtain sets
046. buy two more book shelves
047. Buy a tv
048. Buy a new laptop
049. Get some more lucky bamboo plants
050. Get a haircut
051. Buy the postsecret books
052. Buy new earrings
053. Buy a full length keyboard
054. Buy cookbooks!
055. Get a better job
056. Gather the courage to fill in my heart tattoo
057. Save up at least $4,000
058. Add to my manga collection
059. Donate money to the ASPCA
060. Buy two more photo albums [0/2]
061. Buy two more bed sets [0/2]
062. Buy more photo frames [0/2]

Exercise Intelligence:
063. Go to college
064. Read ten more books
065. Re-Read Harry Potter series
066. Make a new layout for:
    a. myspace
    b. live journal
    c. xanga
067. Add my layouts to deviantart.com
068. Update my journal at least once a week
069. Update facebook
070. Make a journal for this list
071. And update it once a week
072. Get citizenship
073. Get a passport
074. Learn how to sight read music
075. Play a song for an audience (friends and family.)
076. add to my story
077. encourage Ashley to write her book
078. Learn some Japanese
079. Learn a new language other than Japanese
080. Learn photo manipulation
081. get more photo brushes for my photoshop
082. Do 3 puzzles with Ashley [0/3]
083. finish my hello kitty coloring book

Humanity:
084. Tell one joke a day[1/1001]
085. Hug someone a day [1/1001]
086. Pick a flower [from someone's yard]
087. Make dinner 5 times [0/5]
088. Stop judging people by their appearance
089. Remember that people who do stupid or bad things deserve kindness and a second chance

For the GF:
090. Get to know Ashley's friends a little more
091. Hang out with Knz.
092. Attempt to hang out with Katelyn
093. Get some more lingerie
094. Give Ashley a niiiiiceee body rub

CULiNARY SKilliES:
095. Bake a cake from scratch
096. Make a strawberry short cake
097. Have Steve show me how to make banana bread
098. bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch
099. Learn how to make fruit smoothies
100. Make sushi
101. Make a greek salad

I knew I couldn't keep you forever with me
and although it was plain to see
that we just weren't meant to be
I just wish things could have ended differently

I'm not even a fragment of forgotten memory
It's like you never even knew me
I tried so hard to just be your friend
but it was useless in the end

I guess this will be my lesson for today, tomorrow and forever
alongside with don't talk to strangers and never say never
it stinks to still be the one crying after all that's said and done
can't believe you're one of those guys who leaves once he's had his fun

It's hard for me to say goodbye
I tell myself it would be ok, while I sit here and cry
but I can't help but feel happy for you
even though. .. I hate you for not being true

I've moved on with my life long ago
and I guess now it's your time to go
I admit that it hurts now like it did then. .. but I know someone better will come along
He'll slowly fix my broken heart, and serenade me with his honest love songs

He'll succeed at what you have failed to do
and together he and I -- we will have something new
I do wish life brings you joy and success
even if perhaps mines might turn out a mess

I'm optimistic and I'm lookin on the brighter side
and no longer in you I can confide
but sooner or later I know that I'll be alright
I'm stronger than you know -- I won't lose without a good fight

I guess what I'm trying to say is this is truely my last goodbye
there's no more "I'm sorry's" and "give it one more try's"
I'm looking forward to what my future has in store for me
maybe we'll meet again down the line, we'll see